Welcome to Grasshopper Lessons 101. Today’s class we will work with you to help you hone the art of dragging thy lazy ass to the computer in 5 EASY STEPS! Joining me today, we have the lovely up and coming grasshopper, Amanda of The Book Slayer. Click HERE to head over to The Book Slayer's lair RAAAWR ;)
Master Ana: Welcome, Amanda *bows*
Grasshopper Amanda: Welcome, Master Ana *returns bow*
STEP 1: MEDITATE
Master Ana: You must center your self and make sure you are mentally and physically ready to drag thy ass to the computer. *looks to Amanda* Do you understand, young grasshopper?
Grasshopper Amanda: Yes, Master. *nods head enthusiastically*
Master Ana: Then let us begin our meditation phase. *sits cross legged on the floor and pats the ground motioning for Amanda to follow suit* Center thy self and control your chi. now hum like you mean it. *begins humming* HUUUMMMMMMM
Grasshopper Amanda: Okay. * shrugs shoulders and clumsily sits kinda-sorta cross legged on the floor besides Ana. Quickly begins to hum the tune Bad Romance by Lady Gaga.*
Master Ana: *shakes head and shrugs shoulders* good enough for me xD
STEP 2: Drag Thyself To Computer
Master Ana: *looks to Grasshopper* This part is a bit difficult, but with practice and great humming skills you can do it. You must ONLY use your upper body strength for this step. Why only upper body strength? Well....shit, because that’s what my master taught me when I was a young weak grasshopper like yourself >.<
*demonstrates how to drag thyself to computer* It will look like you’re having really bad (and I mean, horribly bad, like having a sex with a guy that didn’t know where to stick it in and just poked the hell out of you with his extra small weiner) sexual intercourse with the floor, and sound like it with all the grunting, but I assure you, there is nothing sexual about it. Or sexy for that matter. Now, go ahead and start dragging yourself across the room. *Points from one end of room to the other*
Grasshopper Amanda: What?! I don’t.... I cannot... How do I even respond to that?! Sexual grunting without it being sexual?! O.O *visions on Easy A, where Emma Stone and the gay guy, you know who I am talking about, are having fake sex.*... *Shakes head* I cannot believe I am doing this. *starts dragging my ass across the room.*
Master Ana: Very good! You’re doing well! *records Amanda’ dragging her ass across the room on mobile phone* for future classes of course xD
STEP 3: Break Time
Master Ana: Remember to take 2 minute breaks in between each foot that you’ve managed to drag yourself. This will allow you to catch your much needed breath and continue to work on your humming, or in your case young grasshopper, your Lady Gaga humming. Understand?
Grasshopper Amanda: Now you tell me! I, apparently, was a little enthusiastic. I will have to dumb down my enthusiasm in order to better drag my ass across the floor. Sorry, Master Ana.
Master Ana: Apology accepted. *pats Grasshopper Amanda’s back* there, there. Let’s move on, shall we?
Grasshopper Amanda: *nods head* Yes, I think we shall.
STEP 4: Re-energize
Master Ana: Congratulations! You’ve finally made it to your beloved computer. Now before you go grabbing your shotgun and shooting the hell out of the monitor for being too far to reach, go ahead and reward yourself with a 30 minute nap from all that exertion!
If the hubby walks by and asks if you need help up off the ground, give him a dirty look and tell him in your best caveman impression... “NO! I am WOMAN! *points to self* I am STRONG! *flex arms*...*switch back to sweet wife voice* wait, honey, can you bring me a cup of coffee, please?” then continue to sit and bask in your re-energizing phase as your husband looks at you like you’re dressed in a meat dress.
Grasshopper Amanda: Pssh. All I have to do is start taking clothes off in order to get whatever I need. *winks* It is a well known secret to woman domination. *Smiles sweetly at husband and takes off shirt* Can you get me a glass of water, love? See how fast he moves for me?! Now time for that nap. *rests head on the floor* Wish I would have brought a pillow with me. *sigh*
Master Ana: *raises eyebrow* well, then. You sha’ll be teaching your own Grasshopper 101 classes yourself. *nods head and mutters to self* yes, indeed, very soon. *jots down this tidbit of information*
Grasshopper Amanda: *pops head up and grins* You have no idea, young one. Men want only two things. 1. Sex 2. Food most likely in that order, but that’s for another time. *winks* Where were we?
Master Ana: Lol, sex and food, eh? I can do sex...food... fuck no...they have hands and know where the kitchen is *rolls eyes* yes, we were moving on to the last and final step.
STEP 5: Forget & Repeat
Master Ana: Now, that you’ve mastered steps 1 - 4, you will hear your children calling you from a distance...bringing you out of your quick nap. You come immediately to attention and forget all about your troubles of dragging thy ass to your computer screen. But, before you leave your computers side, you turn your head and look squarely into the towers eyes (because the tower is laughing deviously at you for exerting yourself) and say in a harsh whisper ‘this isn’t over, computer. I sha’ll conquer you and download to my hearts content” *insert Cruella DeVille laugh here* then put on your mommy smile and trot over to your children forgetting all about your quest to drag thyself to the computer until you have to repeat all these steps when the kids are down for a nap.
Grasshopper Amanda: Oddly enough, this does tend to happen. Damn you, computer! *waves fist at computer screen* It does mock me and my efforts. Let’s not forget about how slow these things are. Why just the other day... Oh, I was already moving on to forget. lol
Master Ana: Lol. Yes, we will have a ranting session on our computer in our next class. *helps Amanda off the ground and pulls out a ribbon* This here, this is your ribbon for completing the course. *mysterious applause comes from speakers on computer followed by evil laughter* o.O *hands Amanda the ribbon* Congratulations! And good luck with your future dragging of thy ass to the computer. Remember, you are the master, the computer is a chump waiting to get it’s ass kicked or thrown out the window. *evil laughter coming from computer dies and goes silent*
Grasshopper Amanda: *greedily grabs ribbon from Master Ana.* I would like to take this time to thank my family for their support and my dogs for not vomiting on the floor. Lastly, thank you Master Ana, for enabling me to be the best at dragging my ass to the computer. My blog will love you and my computer shall dread me. *takes a bow*
Master Ana: You’re welcome :) And remember to hum ;)
Thank you all for joining us for Grasshopper Lessons 101. This lesson was brought to you by, Beach Bum Reads & The Book Slayer. Til’ next time!
Master Ana: *Walks away humming Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance* Oh, hell.